just a suggestion…

i love well-meaning people.  i really do.  i am often one of them.

that being said, sometimes i have trouble being kind to the well-intentioned.  especially when pregnant.

so, in order to collectively help cast perspective, and ultimately learn to love one another in a positive way, here are a few suggestions for the well-intentioned when approaching a pregnant woman:

1. consider your subject: a hormonally-charged and unbalanced 21st century woman, surrounded by FITpregnancy magazines and immense amounts of pressure to “handle it all” with poise and grace, all while a tiny human being slowly compresses all her internal organs into a very small space and surreptitiously ganks all her energy, sleep, comfort, and nutritional stores (including brain cells).
2. if you intend to open your mouth and speak to her, stop, breathe, and think first.  you should probably not ever say the first, second, or third thing that comes to mind unless it sounds like “hello, how are you today?” 
3. please do not address, caress, or otherwise assess her belly.  it is unkind to disregard the carrier of the preborn human’s comfort and boundaries.  plus, it’s really awkward.  imagine someone approaching you who immediately says hello to your midsection or chest, or gropes your double chin, or publicly comments on the girth of your cankles.  not a pretty picture…
4. should go without saying, but apparently doesn’t: do not mention her weight or size unless to comment about how awesome she looks considering she is internally growing a human life.  and for the love of God and all holy things, do not crack jokes or say things like “are you sure you’re not carrying twins?” even if you know her well.  she will cry.  maybe not in front of you.  but she will cry.  it’s just not nice.
5. if it is approaching or beyond her due date and you are aware of this fact, do not do not DO NOT comment or inquire about when the baby is coming.  if she (or any of us) knew the answer to that, she would love to tell you.  but generally that’s an unknown, unless you’re asking someone who has scheduled a c-section, and then it’s kind of not hard for her to just say “thursday at approximately 2 pm”.
6. to be clearer about #5, i’m not talking about situations where you’ve just met the pregnant woman and are genuinely wondering when she’s due, nor am i referring to truly needing a reminder about how far along she is.  i am speaking of those little casual comments like “wow!  when’s that baby gonna get here?!” and “is that baby here yet?”  basically all she’s going to hear is “wow!  you are gargantuan!  surely giving birth will reduce your size!” and “good grief, you’ve been pregnant forever!  i would really like to encounter you with the distraction of a newborn so i can feel less awkward in your presence!”
7. please do not remind her incessantly to tell you when the baby comes.  she will tell you.  or her ecstatic husband will.  or a friend or family member entrusted with the call-arounds will.  babies are exciting.  not a lot of people will keep them a secret, especially around the time of their birth.
8. and if you are, perchance, left out of the proverbial phone tree, for whatever reason, pleasepleaseplease don’t take it personally.  it probably has less to do with you and more to do with the fact that birthing a human is laborious (hence it being called labor) and afterward, some folks just aren’t in the right frame of mind to remember every single thing they are supposed to do and every single person they are supposed to inform.  having to handle your offense at being left out makes everyone feel poopy.  if you find out later than expected about the baby, thank God for the miracle of birth, say a little “grace, grace” over the parents, and do whatever kind thing you do when people you know have babies anyway–make a meal, send a card, tie up a ribbon, whatever.  choose to bless.  and tell satan to take his bitterness and go home.  it’s not worth it.
9. last but not least, be mindful of the emotional instability of the pregnant woman, above all other things.  it’s not her fault.  and she usually can’t control it, even with supplements.  so if your well-meaning comments/actions get interpreted/received by her negatively (which is likely), cut her some slack.  and if she doesn’t have the grace to respond to you in kindness, or if she breaks down crying in front of you or has to excuse herself so as to go cry somewhere else, cut her some more slack.  and in humility, reapproach her, have a heart-to-heart apology moment, and move on.

so there you have it.

if you are reading this and are reminded of a time you did one of these things to a pregnant woman, or even to me personally, be comforted to know that most pregnant women (me included) get over it and still love and appreciate you and your well-intentioned moment.  it would be a far greater response to step back from any offense at being confronted with these things and say “oh, okay.  i can see how that would be painful/irritating/misconceived/inappropriate/etc.” and learn something.  i’ve had to do this.  often.  it is humbling.  and not always easy.  but always worth it.

and i still mess up.  i absolutely do not corner the market on excellent speech.  i do, however, now try reallyreallyreally hard to be mindful of the other person to whom i am speaking before i open my mouth or allow the pressure of conventional conversation to motivate me to say something rather than nothing.  sometimes the nothing is far more wise.*

anyhoo, i’m done typing today.  i’m going to go sit on my birthing ball and pray a bit, hoping that maybe this baby decides to come out today.  i mean, it’d be cool if it was born on the 11th (11.11.11), but it’s only coolwhen you’re not the one who has to carry it around internally until that day.  i’m kind of done.  ready to evict.  yes.

well, blessings to you for dropping by and i hope you have a great november 8!  peace to you, friends.

*”even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is considered prudent” proverb 17:28–darin used to tell me that all the time because we both have some trouble minding our mouths when we feel we have something to say.  and i used to be offended when he’d say it.  now i think he was very prudent, indeed, to open his mouth and suggest it.  i also find proverb 10:19 to be an effective reminder: “when there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise.” (both scriptures from the NASB)  i love the word of God.  it’s so practical…

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